


The Moments that Shape Us

by princesslexi763



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Light Smut, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Depression, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 04:37:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10983516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princesslexi763/pseuds/princesslexi763
Summary: A timeline through the tough times that Dan has to go through following a traumatizing experience and how he eventually goes back to the way he should beTW: Rape/non-con elements. Please read under your own advisory.





	The Moments that Shape Us

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t even know where the idea for this came into mind but damn, it did and i just got such a feeling for it and I wrote it. I wrote this in just under 24 hours and I cannot believe it. This is not a happy fic, but it does have a happy ending like I always try to do. So I hope you enjoy!

“I’m just going out with some friends,” Dan had stated as he grabbed his wallet from the dresser in his and Phil’s shared bedroom. Phil was sat on the bed with his laptop on his lap but Dan could tell he was concerned, “We’re just going to a bar and having a few drinks. I’ll be back within a few hours.” 

Phil looked up from his laptop and adjusted his glasses quickly before speaking, “I know,” He said, “But I worry, Dan.”

Dan turned around and looked at his boyfriend perched there. He loved that Phil worried about him, even though he didn’t have to by any means. He smiled at him and walked over to the bed. He sat down on the edge and leaned over, planting a quick kiss on Phil’s cheek, “Thank you for worrying about me, but I’ll be okay,” he said, rubbing Phil’s arm for an extra layer of reassurance, “I’ll be with Mike, Alex, and Sarah.”

Phil looked at him and nodded before turning and placing a kiss against Dan’s lips, “Fine,” he said when he pulled back, “But call me if you need me to come and get you. I don’t expect you to ride back on the tube if you’re too drunk to stand, okay?” 

“I’m only having a beer or two,” Dan said with a smirk, “Not ten shots.” 

Phil smiled and shrugged, “Well, you know how it goes.” 

Dan nodded and leaned forward, kissing Phil again, “Okay, I’m already running behind so I need to get going. I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Phil said back as he watched Dan get up from the bed and saunter out of the room. 

But deep inside Phil’s chest was an ache that just wouldn’t go away and he didn’t know why. 

* * *

 

Down at the bar, Dan was just getting situated at a table with his friends. Sarah was drinking a margarita while Mike and Alex both had beers in their hands. Dan opted for a beer as well as they chatted about life and how everyone was doing. 

Mike and Alex were suite mates with Dan back when he was in college, but he hadn’t talked to them since. It was just pure luck that they appeared on his Facebook and he shot them a message, being the only two that he got along with in the suite of eight. Sarah was just a good friend of Dan and Phil’s since before they were Dan and Phil. And so he invited her along, mostly as an attempt to play match maker with Mike. He hoped it would work. 

“How has everyone been?” Alex began as he took a seat on the stool. Dan followed suit and sat down as well but the other two opted to stand. 

Dan was the one to speak up first, mostly because he had some exciting news to share, “Well, Phil and I officially bought a house,” he said with a big smile, “We got the word today from our agent that the paperwork went through and we were approved so we can start the loan process as soon as possible.” 

All of group clapped and congratulated him and then they all took a sip of their drinks as a way to end off the good note. One by one, the rest of the group made their way around telling about the good things their life was showing to be happening. 

Everyone was having a great time, and not long after, Dan excused himself to the restroom. He got up from the stool and walked towards the back of the bar where the sign pointed. He pushed open the door and smiled when he saw no one else was in the bathroom. He was all alone. 

Going up to a urinal, he promptly did his business before finishing up and turning to head to the sink to wash his hands. That was when the door swung open. 

Dan looked instinctively at the door and saw an older gentleman walk in. He was clean shaven but wearing a baseball cap. And Dan couldn’t make out any of his features. But he didn’t think anything of it. 

He finished washing his hands and was about to exit the bathroom when the man blocked the door. Dan looked at him and motioned around him, “Excuse me,” He said, pointing towards the door, “I would like to leave.” 

The man shook his head, “Not happening princess.” 

Dan felt his heart speed up, “Excuse me?” He asked, feeling his heart begin to race, “I don’t think you can tell me—”

Suddenly, the man had Dan pinned to the wall, faster than Dan could even comprehend. His mouth was covered by the mans hand. Dan’s instinct was to fight back, so he tried to. He kicked his foot up but felt nothing meaning he didn’t kick the guy. He swung his arm back but it was caught quickly in a hold. His breathing was now quicker and his mind was drawing a blank. 

That was when he felt the man’s hand travel down his front and grab his crotch in a tight, rough move. Dan screamed through the man’s hand but the hand became tighter around his mouth and jaw, holding him even more in place. 

Then his jeans became unzipped and Dan felt himself begin to cry. He was trying to fight back but the man was so much stronger than him, and he knew he wasn’t going to win. His pants were soon ripped down his legs and his underwear came with them. 

Tears burned down his cheeks as the pain worsened with each move of the man. He just went in dry and Dan had no time to prepare. His body hurt and ached and he just wanted it to stop. By a slip of the hand, the man’s hand fell from Dan’s mouth long enough for Dan to get out a dry, “Please stop,” before the man slapped the back of his head hard. Dan’s head flew into the wall and hit the cold drywall and Dan felt an instant headache. 

It was over soon, and the man was gone and left. 

Dan was left standing in the bathroom, a pounding headache making his vision blue, tears running down his face like a river, blood drying on his thighs and between parts that it shouldn’t be even near, and his body hurt and ached. 

He didn’t even clean himself up. He pulled his pants back up and fastened them. He wiped his cheeks with his hands and scurried out of the bathroom. 

He went by his friends table unnoticed. In a slight positive light, Sarah was now sitting on Mike’s lap. But Dan didn’t dwell on that in his head. His head was too busy trying to piece together all that had occurred in less then five minutes. 

He got to the tube when he realized that his wallet was missing from his jeans and he didn’t have his card anymore. He reached into his sweatshirt pocket and pulled out his phone. Taking a deep shuttering breath, he sat down on the bench of the tube station, immediately crying out in pain and standing back up, as he called Phil. 

But the minute Phil answered the line, Dan burst into tears and hardly got any words out besides what station he was at. And Phil told him he’d be right there. 

* * *

 

Phil knew something was wrong when he exited the tube and saw Dan standing with his back to the wall. He was crying and his body was shaking. People were staring at him as they walked by, but Dan didn’t seem to be noticing. 

He rushed over to Dan, who looked at him and tried to put on a brave face but failed. He grabbed Dan in his arms and yanked him forward just in time to here Dan begin to sob again into Phil’s shoulder. 

That was when Phil knew that something was definitely wrong. 

“Dan,” he asked carefully, “What happened?”

But Dan shook his head and didn’t answer. Instead he just grabbed onto Phil and refused to be let go. 

Phil ended up moving Dan to the place to get a new card for the tube, with which he paid for. After realizing that Dan didn’t have his wallet which mean he didn’t have his license or any of his credit cards, he logged onto their banks website on his phone and cancelled Dan’s cards. Following that, he looked up online how to get Dan a new ID. But the main concern was just getting Dan home. 

He didn’t speak at all on the tube. Only sat next to Phil where he fidgeted and didn’t sit still. It was at their stop when Dan stood up that Phil noticed the large blood patch now forming on the seat of Dan’s pants. 

Panicking, he rushed Dan off from the tube and tried to get him back to their apartment as fast as possible. Dan seemed spaced out the whole walk back, so much so that Phil knew that Dan didn’t notice when he took of his sweatshirt and tied it around his waist to cover the stain. 

Phil was terrified at this point. He didn’t know if he should even take Dan back to the apartment or just take him to the hospital. He was scared and he felt like he was powerless. Worse, he was afraid of what Dan might tell him that happened. 

He had a clue but he didn’t want to accept it. 

Phil unlocked the door to their apartment carefully and Dan immediately rushed past him. Not sure whether to let him go or to follow him, Phil get his distance until he got into the view of the bathroom, where Dan presumably was. 

Phil cracked the door open, looking inside to see that Dan was crying again, silent tears this time, as he carefully unbuttoned his jeans and slid them down his waist. He watched as Dan removed the clothing as if he was removing a layer of his own skin and it was hurting him. But when Dan removed his underwear and Phil saw the dried blood on Dan’s thighs, he pushed the door open and slowly walked in. 

Without any words said between the two, Phil got a warm wash cloth and put some soap on it as he carefully maneuvered behind Dan, “Dan,” he asked softly, “Can you tell me what happened to you?” 

Dan turned his head, and Phil noted how absolutely lifeless his eyes looked. His normal cameral brown eyes were now a dull brown. His cheeks were tear stained and his lips were red. But the words that came out of his mouth were what broke Phil completely apart, “I…I was raped.” 

The words not only caused Phil to begin to cry, but for Dan to lose it again as his chest tightened and sobs ricocheted out of his mouth. Phil grabbed a hold of Dan, not even caring that Dan still had traces of blood on his body. He pulled Dan as close to him as possible, and Dan melted into his touch as he cried long and hard against Phil’s neck. 

It was such a heartbreaking scene for Phil. He didn’t want to scare Dan by crying but he was just so devastated that he didn’t have a choice but to cry. But Phil tried to be brave for Dan, he really did. But he couldn’t be at this time. He just couldn’t stay brave. 

The crying subsided when Dan’s crying went from tears of anguish to just little sniffles that Phil could hear underneath his own tears. He knew he needed to get up and get Dan to a hospital. But he didn't have the energy for it. 

He eventually stood up, and stood Dan up with him as he carefully told Dan that they needed to report this. The person had not only stolen Dan’s wallet, but he had stolen his dignity as well. Something that Dan had worked so hard to maintain over the years. Everything was just gone in the blink of an eye and Phil was scared for the future. Scared of the trust that Dan would no longer have. Scared of the intimacy Dan may never want. And scared of how this could affect Dan. 

In silence, Phil called for a taxi to arrive at their apartment. He dressed Dan in a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt and Phil let him lean against him the whole time until the hospital came into view. 

* * *

 

Dan had no thoughts go into the events of that night. Even when he was sitting in the hospital room with Phil standing beside him and a nurse examining his ‘private area’ for any traces of semen. 

He was just empty and blank. 

The nurse told him that it appeared the man used a condom—which Dan wasn't quite sure what to make of that. He guessed that was a good thing but really, is there any good thing that comes out of an event like this?

The police came and questioned him less than a half an hour later— at nearly midnight on a Friday night. He told them after his stolen wallet and they told him that they would try and recover the items in it. But Dan didn’t care about that. 

They asked for a description of the man and Dan tried his best to give as many details as he could. But the truth of the matter was that he just didn’t remember. He didn’t know if his brain just pushed the memory away so it could be repressed. He didn’t know if his brain even could do that. 

But he didn’t remember much. 

He was given two centimeters of stitches in his rectum from the tearing that had occurred, which explained the bleeding. And then he was given ibuprofen to take for the pain. He was told that he would get the results from the rape test the next day. 

But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to even know. 

Phil called them a taxi when they were done, and they headed back to the apartment. Once there, Dan just walked to bed with no recollection of even walking through the front door. 

He laid down on the bedding and curled into a fetal position where he stared at the wall. He saw Phil walk into the room from the corner of his eye, but he didn’t acknowledge him. Part of him wanted to be alone but part of him wanted to yell for Phil to never leave him. 

He felt the bed dip down behind him and he turned to face Phil. He got a glimpse of the heart broken features that donned Phil’s normal perky ones. His blue eyes were clouded and grey, and his cheeks were red. Dan tried to fake a smile at him, but the smile faulted and turned into dry sobs where he just wanted comfort and love. 

Phil cuddled him, letting Dan cling onto him as he cried for the millionth time that night. All until he fell asleep, where he had dreams of that man and that event taking place all over again. 

When he woke up just an hour later screaming for help, Phil was there to comfort him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. 

But Dan knew it wasn’t—not for a long time anyway. 

But he let himself believe that for just a few moments. 

* * *

 

Phil watched Dan over the course of the week. They posted a gaming video on their channel—pre-filmed of course—but watching and editing the video made his heart ache. Dan was so full of life, laughing and joking around with him. 

But now, he hasn’t showered in three days and he sits on their bed not moving a lot of the time. Phil can get him to eat but Dan is reluctant a lot of time. 

Today is progress though. 

In an attempt to not bother Dan all the time, Phil walked into the living room where he was sat on his computer scrolling through Tumblr and reading the comments on their video. But not long after, he heard the sound of footsteps. 

He turned and looked out into the hallway where he saw Dan walking slowly into the living room. He was freshly showered, wearing a pair of grey sweats and a Pokemon shirt that Phil swore was his. He had his cell phone in head and his cheeks had some color to them, “How are you feeling?” Phil asked him, looking up. 

Dan looked at him and sighed, “Okay.” 

Phil didn’t know if he should speak anymore, but then Dan suddenly walked to the couch next to Phil and plopped down directly beside him—practically on top of him. After a few seconds of just tension, Dan finally spoke, “Can you hold me?” he asked and Phil immediately put his laptop down and away. 

Opening his arms and adjusting himself, he let Dan crawl between his legs and rest against his chest. Dan had his arms around Phil’s neck and his face buried in his chest. He was breathing kind of heavy and Phil thought that maybe something was off until Dan cuddled closer into him and pressed his face into Phil’s neck. 

Phil allowed Dan to practically mold into him. He put his arms gently around Dan’s back and held him closer, gently rocking him as Dan seemed to calm down, “I missed you,” Dan whispered. 

“I’ve been here all along,” Phil said back. 

Dan nodded, “But I missed your touch.” 

“You can have my touch any time you want it,” Phil answered back softly. 

He could feel a smile against his skin, “If that’s the case, I never want to let you go.” 

“Then don’t let me go.” 

“I love you so much, Phil,” He said against Phil’s neck, “I can’t even express how much this means for you to not push me away after that. I was waiting for you to call me disgusting and tell me that I deserved it—”

“Dan, no on deserved what happened with you,” Phil said back, “No on deserves to have someone force themselves onto you. But I love you so so much, bear,” he added, “More than words can even explain. You’re my baby and I’ll never let you go, okay?” 

Dan nodded against his neck and relaxed. 

They both ended up asleep on the couch that afternoon. 

Mid-way through the day, Phil got a call from the police station saying that the bar gave up camera surveillance videos from inside the bar. They saw when Dan entered the restroom and then saw the man the entered after him. They haven’t found the man yet, but they now know who they are looking for. Phil almost asked them why they even bothered to call if they were just saying that little of a thing, but he didn’t and he just thanked them anyway. 

Speaking of which, Dan’s new license and credit cards came in the mail as well. Plus, Phil had ordered Dan a new wallet. He was trying his best to do the things for Dan that he figured would be hard for Dan himself to do. 

He just wanted to ease the pain and memories as much as he could. 

Dan was still asleep on the couch when the doorbell rang at their flat. He walked gave Dan one last look to make sure he was gonna be okay before heading down the stairwell to the door. 

It was just the mailman with another package, this one had to be the new wallet Phil had ordered for him. He thanked the man and shut the door. As he headed up the stairs, he heard the screaming echo down the hallway. 

It was Dan. 

Phil immediately rushed up the stairs and threw open the door to see Dan sitting on the floor of the living room with his knees pulled up to his chest. He was crying—sobbing actually. 

Phil dropped the box onto the table and rushed over to him, wrapping him in his arms and pulling him close. Dan unwound himself and crushed himself into Phil, “I thought you left,” he sobbed. 

Phil shook his head, “The doorbell rang because we got a package,” he rubbed Dan’s back, “I won’t leave you, bear.” 

Dan nodded and relaxed against Phil again. 

They sat like that for a while before Dan got up to the use the bathroom. 

So much for progress…

* * *

Phil gets a call a few days later from the police saying that they think they have caught the man. He was taken into custody after attempting to rape another male, except this one got away and called the police immediately. They wanted Dan to come down and identify him. 

Phil was nervous to tell Dan of the news. 

But surprisingly, Dan took it well. The progress he had been making over the last few days was much better than before. He’s back to scrolling on his computer all the time. He’s eating more than he was and he’s even smiling again. 

He’s still clingy when it comes to Phil, but Phil doesn’t mind that. 

They headed down to the police station and Dan took one look of the man in front of him and immediately said ‘that’s him’ before asking to go. The police dismissed him and he walked out as fast as his legs could carry. 

Phil followed and tried to watch to see if Dan was okay. 

Naturally, he wasn’t. 

It was on the way home that Dan turned to Phil and said a simple sentence, “I’d like to get help.” 

At first, Phil was confused on what Dan’s words meant but then he realized that Dan was asking to go see a therapist. So he just nodded and smiled up at Dan, “Okay.” 

Dan leaned into him and the taxi took them back home.

* * *

 

The first time that Dan decided he wanted to be intimate with Phil was difficult for them both. Phil was hesitant to agree because he was nervous of hurting Dan or even scaring him during such an intimate thing. 

But he agreed when Dan used the argument of, “I need this so I can forget what that felt like and remember what sex is supposed to feel like.” 

Sure, him and Phil had been sexually active for the entirety of their relationship. They were a normal couple and they had needs that they both could satisfy. It also happened on a regular basis, so much so that Dan hardly needed too much stretching between times. 

But they both knew this time was gonna be different. 

Everything started out well. They began with kissing that got them both worked up enough that they both ached for it to continue. Then Phil began to slip his hands underneath Dan’s clothing and Dan began to shake. Phil asked if he was okay and Dan just nodded. So Phil continued. 

The touching continued until they were both ready to move forward. Phil started with a simple blow job on Dan, trying his best to get him to feel pleasure. It worked for the most part but he could still sense that Dan was tense. They switched positions and Dan reciprocated the action which got him relaxed better. 

Then the stretching began. Phil tried so hard to be gentle with Dan. He had even suggested to him that he bottom and Dan top but Dan refused. He said he needed this. So Phil continued on. 

The featherlight touches only held for so long until Dan asked for more and Phil gave him more. Not soon after, they were beginning to go into the actual activity of sex. Dan was on top and Phil was sat with his back propped up slightly against some pillows. He figured having Dan on top would make things easier. 

And it did. 

They both moaned when Dan sunk down onto him and began to move. And the pleasure only peaked from there. Phil enjoyed watching Dan pleasure himself. He wanted Dan to feel good from this and not feel disgusting. 

But that changed quickly when Phil’s mind blanked and he pushed Dan onto his back where he was now laying between Dan’s legs. His thrusting continued but when he looked up, he saw a fragility behind Dan’s eyes as tears leaked down his cheeks. 

Phil quickly stopped, looking at Dan. He was about to ask what was wrong when Dan yelled out for him to stop. His voice was completely broken by sobs and cries. Phil quickly pulled out and laid next to Dan, cradling the young male. 

“I’m broken,” Dan cried into him, “That man broke me forever and I’m never gonna be fixed.” 

Phil just shushed him and told him that everything will get better with time. He kissed his hair over and over and repeated the phrase, ‘I love you’ each time. 

The next day, Dan got a number for a therapist and made an appointment. 

* * *

 

It’s been two months now since the incident, and Phil has never seen Dan so happy. His progress has been so astonishing that Phil can hardly believe he was the same person. 

The therapist helped immensely with Dan’s progress towards moving on. It had turned out that Dan couldn’t move on because he had felt extreme guilt towards the incident. He blamed the rape on himself for not fighting back hard enough. He claimed he didn’t do what he should've but the therapist reassured him that nothing was his fault. 

And among that, Dan was able to testify against the man in court and watch him get sentenced to fifteen years for the rape of three other people along with Dan. Turns out the man had a past. 

And once all of that was done, Dan felt great again. He felt like himself. 

Phil helped him get back on track with YouTuber—hell, he even rebranded like he’s always been wanting to! He got back ahold of his friends and they made plans to hang out again: this time at Dan and Phil’s new house. 

Dan and Phil had moved into their house just a week ago. And Phil really felt like this was exactly how life should be. Everything was a fresh start and Dan could let go the past a little easier. Of course he’ll never be over what happened, but it can help slowly. 

Their intimacy has also went back to normal. It took a couple of failed attempts that Dan agreed to do before they finally were able to have sex like they used to. And Phil would be damned if he didn't say he missed that part of their relationship. Of course the relationship wasn’t built on sex but it was a nice added feature. 

But even now, as Phil watches Dan walk around their living room as he paces about their furniture not matching. Phil has to smile to himself but Dan is finally himself again. 

And everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! Also, follow my tumblr: princesslexi763!


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